Alaska Might Follow Crimea’s Example

Dan Majestic reports from Washington: Fears are growing in Washington that some American states may be tempted to follow the example of Crimea and hold referendums on whether to become part of Russia. The feeling across the land here that it makes perfect sense to join a
nation which has practically no foreign debt and a cash surplus of around 500 billion dollars, making it look a much more attractive option than sharing an astronomical debt of about $17 trillion which, as everyone expects, would reach $21 trillion, once President Barack Obama leaves the White House for good.        
One of the first states to have demonstrated keen eagerness to hold a referendum on whether to leave the US and join Russia has become Alaska, which has already been part of the Russian empire in the past anyway and would benefit greatly from a return to the embrace of Mother Russia. ‘Who wants to be part of a country run by a bunch of ruthless oligarchs who call themselves bankers and are busy printing trillions of new dollars with the help of the Federal Reserve that they call their own private bank, while no one is allowed to see any of it,’ one senior official in Juneau told Stirring Trouble. ‘We want to have a better life for once and, as we border Russia anyway, the answer is quite simple really – vote to become part of it’.
Sources in the White House have already said that President Obama and the nation generally would not accept the results of the referendum in Alaska, threatening to impose visa restrictions and economic sanctions on Sarah Palin, but locals are saying that they are determined to follow the example of Crimea and hold a quickie referendum, to become associated with a country that still has a proper system of education, does not impose a crippling health care insurance system on people and where you are still allowed to say that marriage should be between a  man and a woman and not get arrested for it.
Worryingly for Washington, other states are monitoring the situation in Alaska closely and considering their options, having grown wary of begging the federal government for money to get over the current hard times. And the so-called unincorporated territory of the US, or a colony, in other words, Puerto Rico, is bracing itself for a referendum this year, with many people hoping that it would have a question included in the ballot about becoming part of Russia. The Governor’s sultry secretary, Liza Karpinsky, who is also his mistress and his first deputy, or at least that is what she says, told Stirring Trouble that puertoricans are very impressed by so many Russians having so much money to burn and would rather be incorporated with the mighty solvent Bear than the debt ridden American Eagle.
Some experts are saying that the example of Crimea may catch on in other parts, like Western Europe, where some of the countries have, frankly, had enough of the dictat by the European Union, a cabal of unelected bureaucrats, and would rather associate themselves with Russia that has all the mineral resources imaginable and is loaded with money. (For people who have no sense of humour, this is a satirical piece, ok?)
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